Hello,
This past three days I have suffered a miscarriage. the worst of it was yesturday. An I am not really sure what my next step is. The thing was I was going to give up my baby for adoption to a very good friend of mine. An I have no idea what to tell her. I am scared because I do not want to be the one to crush her dreams can anyone help me with what to say to her?

thanks
mom2one

First, I am *so* sorry for your loss. Although I've had miscarriages in the past, I've never been in your particular situation so feel free to disregard my advice if you don't like it = ). I think all you can do is tell your friend the truth and let her feel however she will. This was *not* your fault. It is not something that you chose to have happen and you should not feel guilty or responsible. I'm sure that she will understand that this was completely out of your control. And if, for some reason, she would hold it against you, you need to know that those feelings are coming from somewhere completely unrelated to you. Sometimes when there is a loss, feelings can get mixed up and attached where they don't belong. (I was very angry at a friend of mine when she told me 2 days after a miscarriage that she was pregnant. The anger was completely misguided - I wasn't angry at her just the situation and it took me a while to realize that)

Also, remember that you've both suffered a loss and need time to be good to yourselves and grieve (you especially) so just take it slow; see what happens and take it all in stride. You can't control anything that's happened, you can only control the way you react and respond to it.

Regardless of what you decide, I hope you are able to find some peace with your decision. I'm sending you lots of love!
Peace
Krista

My fear is that she will think that maybe i was lieing about the pregnancy sence we decided to wait till 12 weeks to got to the doc. an the doctor apt. should have been some time next week. I know this is odd to ask but does anyone have an idea of what i should say to her? I really need the help I am really scared of lossing her as a friend and breaking her heart.!

Are you seeing a doctor now? I think it would be important to make sure everything is okay once the miscarriage is complete. I would call the doctor and ask. As for your friend you just need to tell her. You cannot anticipate how she will react and base what you say on that. Just tell her the truth. .

Dear Mom2one,

I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother who lost 8 pregnancies to recurrent miscarriage, I understand how devastated you must feel.

We have a saying: Honesty is the best policy. And right away. If you have not told her yet, it is important that you do so. She will be sad of course for her loss as well as yours. But her concerns should also be for your well-being.

There are many options open to your friend. One of them is for you to try again if you're willing. But you have the right to choose not to if you feel it would be too difficult emotionally. Either way, you need to regroup and take some time to grieve and process this loss.

There is an excellent book by Kathleen Gray and Anne Lassance: Grieving Reproductive Loss: The Healing Process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Best, Lenore