Yup... that was the national agency dh didn't want to go with once we applied and did all the paper work. His concern is that we will match in a state that has unfavorable adoption laws and that we'll lose the baby to a birthfather coming out of the woodwork or birthmother changing her mind. Plus, he's concerned about IPCP waiting time. He's a doc, and can't get time off for the adoption of a child. So it would be just me and the three kids in a state away from home, all alone. He doesn't think I could handle it. I think I could. He want to bond with the baby, not be at work, but he would be at work in our home state too. Grrr.... It is a comfort issue for him. He would just rather adopt in our state since we wouldn't have to worry about ICPC and could be at home with the baby. I feel like he is not being realistic.

An unknown birthfather gets his rights revoked by the judge. That is what we did in our case. My understanding is that there is little chance of anyone reversing that. It is a fathers responsibility to assume that intercourse will result in a child and he is responsible to find out if a child is conceived. So he can't come forward leter and say no I didn't know there was a child. The laws are written more now to protect the adoptive parents in that way. Our DD was born in Virginia and we live in Idaho. I flew out the day she was born and dh came out 3 days later. I had one night in the hotel just me and her. Then we waited 6 more days until we had the okay to travel out of state with her. I know it is hard but you make it work. I hope you two will find a situtaion that works for you both. BTW what state are you in?

We live in Florida.
I am okay with adopting out-of-state, and have a whole plan. I would hire a nanny to help me out with the older kids if dh couldn't be there the whole time, and we would go see the sights of the state a little bit (baby allowing). I've traveled alone with kids before, so flying home with the kids is no problem for me (I came home with my sons, then 9mons and 2 1/2yrs from Germany alone!). He still feels uncomfortable about the ICPC wait.
So, if the birthfather is unknown, his rights would be terminated? I didn't know that. That is helpful to tell dh! Thanks!

Hi Irma, If you still have my #, call me tomorrow Monday, (check private messages). I have lots of info on this that may be helpful but hard to stay online with newborn. I soooo feel for you and HAVE BEEN there too!
Hugs, Mindy

Yes, the judge terminates his rights and from what I understood from our attorney if our birthfather ever showed up it wouldn't matter. Because he wasn't emotionally involved with the mother, provided no financial support and there was 3rd thing too that I can't remember. But since he had no involvement he had no means to get his rights restored. You can usually check the laws for your state or ask an adoption atty.

Mindy... Can you send me a private message with your #? I'd love to talk to you, but I can't seem to find your #!
--Irma

The laws vary by state for adoption, including bfather rights. In Washington state, bfather just has to prove paternity. If he does that, and doesn't want to sign off his rights, you will not get the baby. We live in Washington state, and this happened with us here.

A lot of states have wonderful adoption laws. We have adopted three times, from three different states, Texas, Illinois, and Oklahoma. They all have great adoption laws. Washington does, too, just not the bfather aspect of it.

American Adoptions is expensive, but they are good. I had found a situation on their website and we matched with the bmom. But, bmom gave birth to the baby and changed her mind. Luckily, we had not travelled yet, and we were given every penny of our money back. The nice thing about American Adoptions is that they network with a lot of different, smaller agencies throughout the country. If you let them know exactly what kind of situation you are looking for, such as only in an adoption friendly state, and only when the bfather rights can easily be terminated, they will definitely work with you. They would be foolish not to. And if you are ever given a situation you are not comfortable with, just turn it down. We have done it.

We had a similar situation, too, as far as dh being able to take time off work. He is very busy at work, and just couldn't get away for long. Dh and I flew out together for the placement of our ds. That was a Thursday. And dh flew home on Saturday, leaving me and the baby there to wait out ICPC. What we did with the older kids is have my inlaws take them while we were gone. When dh came back, the kids alternating between staying the night with dh and staying the night with my inlaws. And Oklahoma was amazingly fast with ICPC, so I was back in time for my older ds' birthday.

an out of state adoption can be done, if you plan ahead as much as you can. If you are limiting yourself to just your own state, that is probably why the facilitator was not able to work with you. Facilitators generally work with the entire country. It's very difficult to find a bmom in just one state.

I wish you lots of luck in your adoption efforts. Hopefully we will be seeing news of a match or placement soon for you.

Thank you for the info! I have researched the adoption laws on putative father rights, as well as birth mother time to change her mind by state. We talked to our facilitator at American Adoptions about only working in adoption-friendly states, and they would not do that. They said we could refuse a match, but if it happend more than once or twice, they probably would not be likely to match us again. We were told that the birthmothers are in the driver's seat, and we had to accept that. Well, my hubby was not happy about that, and feels that it should be an equal partnership of comfort between the birthmother and the adoptive parents. He felt like he was just bank-roling the operation. That's why he decided he wasn't comfortable with American Adoptions. I think he would have been flexible with the ICPC thing otherwise.