Loveydovey,

Sometimes it's hard to comment on a conversation that you haven't been part of, there is always so much more to it than the words that are actually spoken, so it may have been the way she said what she did more than anything else... but on the face of it she does not sound like a chronical nay-sayer to me. And it's not like her concerns are totally unreasonable.

But then you do not have any sort of obligation to discuss your plans in any detail with her unless you feel 100%comfortable to do so and very much less to let her watch you - why on earth would you?

I think Laurie's suggestions are very good - putting it very brutally, you don't want her support or her approval, you want her milk.

I really don't mean to play agony aunt or amateur shrink here but do try not to stress about the supply you will have, it is not a measure of anything and certainly not of your dedication - you are doing everything you can and any milk you will make will be great for your baby.

It would be terrible if you somehow got the idea that if you have anything less than a full supply you are somehow a failure. That is frankly nonsense.

Love,
Chris

Hi LD,

It sounds like this is turning into a bit of a "contest" over who can provide the breastmilk. What I did with my surrogate is explain that I wanted to give breastfeeding a try and that even though I did really well the first time, there's no guarantee that I would do as well the second time and so I would most graciously and happily accept all the breastmilk she would be willing to provide. I emphasized the fact that inducing moms do not produce colostrum because in order to do that we need human placental lactogen which is only present with a placenta and pregnancy. So the milk my surrogate would be providing would be like liquid gold.

This turned out to be prophetic since my son Adam was a teeny preemie who grew normally but Ethan is ENORMOUS, in the 90th percentile for length and weight. Even if I had given birth to him, chances are I would have had to find a donor anyway.

Now picture the position I'M in!! Here I am the "milk supply queen" and I found myself having to supplement!! But you know what? The MOST important issue was how I was going to feed my son. I really wanted to avoid formula at all costs. And if that meant supplementing with donor milk...so be it.

Our wonderful surrogate mom pumped for 3 months. I managed to produce my usual 30+ ounces per 24 hours which ended up providing my son with 2/3 of his intake. The rest was supplemented. I used the experience to experiment with the SNS, the Lact-aid and the AVENT bottle. Luckily my little guy was willing to EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT regardless of what container it came in LOL. I ended up using Dr. Newman's alternative which is a 5 French feeding tube that runs from a bottle (with the tip of the nipple snipped off), to the breast. I did that for the first 6 weeks. Then I tried the SNS but the flow wasn't fast enough for Ethan so I switched to the Lact-aid which worked better but then I develped thrush and had to pump on one side and was terrified to develop thrush on the other side so I put the pumped milk in an AVENT bottle and breastfed from one side until the pain dissipated (about a week) and then I put him back on both breasts and there he has stayed ever since.

Now even though my wonderful surrogate pumped for 3 months, we didn't get all the milk because she was splitting it between Ethan and her friend's son who was also enormous. So I contacted Nona Davis and she put me in touch with the donors. That's when I develped my pasteurization method and the rest is history LOL.

Hope this helps.
Fondly,

I thought I was feeling "hormonal" from the bcp's. She's told me again that her breasts are leaking and that she will have plenty for the baby. It made me realize that I was feeling uncomfortable talking about the details with her. I don't want it to feel like a competitive situation and I don't want her to inquire or observe me while I'm trying. And, yes, cold hard fact = I do want her milk.

So I will present to her the situation as you suggested and leave it at that. I did explain to her about shipping in a cooler to me. She's going back east for a break two weeks after the baby is born.

I learned here that I don't necessarily have to supplement at first. I thought my Lact-Aid booklet said it wouldn't affect natural supply but I can see where baby demand is first. Then add supplement later if needed.

I have to say I don't understand about the newborn's needs. We received our daughter when she was already 4 months old. Still learning here!

Thanks,

Dear LD,

Please do not rely on your Lact-aid booklet for information on newborn care. All babies are different. Although it's possible that you may not need to supplement at first, it is equally possible that you may have to.

When my first son was born I was able to meet his needs. Nevertheless the hospital where he was staying insisted on giving him human milk fortifier because of his prematurity. It played havoc with my milk supply but I was eventually able to breastfeed for a time without supplementation.

My second son was a different story altogether. He was enormous from the get go. I was able to meet his needs initially, in fact I had more than enough, but after a short while, I found that he wasn't gaining sufficiently, was jaundiced and so I did have to supplement. Although I produce about 30 oz per day which is usually sufficient for a "normal" newborn...my son drinks 45 oz per day. Luckily our wonderful surrogate mom pumped for 3 months and then I was able to secure 3 different donors with Nona's help.

So basically I'm trying to emphasize what I said before. Accept all the milk your surrogate is willing to provide. If you see that she's becoming proprietary concerning who's going to provide breastmilk, just thank her, tell her that her milk is wonderful, that the baby is doing great, and keep your own breastfeeding activities to yourself. You don't have to tell her every detail of what you are doing. This will make her feel special and take the pressure off you at the same time.

Fondly,

Good plan, Lenore. I'm going to follow it. I understand now about the Lact-Aid supplementation. I have it ready if needed.

I'm taking our surrogate to the airport tomorrow for her family visit back East. I don't expect her to mention it again.

Thanks!